| baring a soul... darkness and light perhaps |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|01:07 am] |
I've been on the dark side of the moon again... in some ways i disappear when I'm depressed like this for a couple different reasons mood swings and I do not wish to say things that would hurt others.. disaper online and off.. depending on the depth of darkness and who i am round .….. it's rough time when I'm dealing with my darkness I cannot create beauty and I cannot be in touch with the light that guides my ability to create, things that I create -be it writing or pictures- when I'm on the dark side of the moon are often reflections of the dark side of my soul… they hidden horrors behind the mask.... and yet once again i have that rope.. that tie down to reality.. to the light of happy days that is love and to -be- loved..... -thoughtful look- you know i turned off my emotions so suddenly and so completely when we broke that i wonder if i have turned them all the way back on...... somehow i feel like parts of me are still somewhat dead.... like the fact i have not cried ..... i've not grieved and yet is there a reason to grieve anymore??? or even if the reason is gone does the held in grief and emotions still need to be somehow released..... is that what i mean when i say i -need- a beating???
gosh in some way there is much to write in here and in other ways (emotions?) i have nothing to say.... yet i know that i need to (note "need " not -have) write in here, for if i have turned off some emotions and they have not come back here is one of the the places to get in touch with that and start to work on thoughts and feelings and emotions...... least before i find a good Shrink or Therapist etc.....
-playing catch up-
Health wise....My GP is great as far as im concerned...as here in Canada GPs don't have a lot of power they can only do so much then they have to hand you over to the specialists and said specialists don't want to operate on me or sometimes it seems do anything more then push a pill or two........i know im a difficult complicated patient. -wonders if it is wrong and ungrateful to not always be "thankful" for the morphine when you're taking 10 mg every to four hours many a day a week depending on pain levels- but then again as there is always a down side there is also always an bit of an up... -if one believes in ying and yang- the new OBG Dr set my mind at ease and though im not looking forward to the scope or any operations i have to admit i am glad someone is brave enough to try and find out WHAT is wrong with me so that i can possibly be fixed.... its been a couple of roughly weeks with a bladder infection on the attack and now i know why the pain kicked so bad this month it was due to my first big bleed since.........well since i stopped i guess.... figure all the shots that the old OBY gave me must be out of my system now...... waste of good money that was....
on the Cairo Front......I’m time taking the time to ever so slowly gather a résumé well actually so far what I have are plans....his résumé is proof of who and what he is and all legal documents do with him proof of his temperament testing, CGC, CGN. That's a cakewalk compared to what else I need to get to know that I need to have letter from my doctors now my GP is not sure exactly how service dog works for someone like me but he is opened the idea and curious so I'm going to ask for a letter with assistance that will explain to him what Cairo does and also give them an outline to write a doggy prescription for cars file. The big worry is my psychiatrist... for a psychiatrist.. well she's all i got at the moment, but when I first mentioned the PSD her reaction was quite firm in the feeling that the dog would be of no use… because of how I often feel when I'm there emotional and I'm very off-balance, I end up unable to prove my point so to speak... I actually think having Cairo at the session would probably helped……… and the two months I've had them instead of having to take panic medications to refer times a week at least I think I'm only taking at once no twice twice a month and it has a lot more than calming down him being cannot I really need their word because we don't have an ADA here were way behind all the places.Cairo is not fully trained yet that's for sure that is definitely learning and he definitely has down pat very useful responses to depression sadness panic attacks dizziness most of which is picked up on his own or some other stuff to the planning on writing another episode of "Cairo's Tales" and I'm sure you'll see it... |
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shylge's journal
